Family Life

Advice, really?

new mothers

My beautiful girlfriend just gave birth to her first child; a gorgeous little girl. This beautiful little soul has the most devine get black hair, tiny little nose and is enough to make your ovaries go into overdrive. At just two weeks of age, she is at that most incredibly precious beautiful newborn stage that all Mumma’s know only ever lasts for a little short while.

Her Mumma on the other hand has been in an absolute depth of confusion, overwhelmed anxiety, more confusion and just a little bit of guilt. And you ask why? Because every second person is telling her something different, leaving an already overwhelmed anxious, sleep-deprived Mumma in even more anxiety. Everything has been told to her in these last few weeks:

“You shouldn’t breastfeed for more then an hour because it then interferes with their sleep pattern.”

“Don’t mix breastmilk with formula because it will harm their digestion.”

“If you give her a bottle of expressed breastmilk she will then not feed properly from the breast.”

“Wrap her this way”. NO, “Wrap her THAT way”.

And it goes on and on. What is a mother to do?

I think about some of the advice being told to her and I think “holy cow, my kids would have been doomed!” But the truth is, they are perfectly healthy toddlers.

I remember those first few weeks of my daughter’s little life. They were F***in hard. Really hard. I had absolutely no idea. She didn’t latch on, she didn’t suck, my nipples were as raw and cracked like gravel on pavement, I was sleep-deprived, overwhelmed and feeling like I could not do anything right for that little baby. What I thought was right one day was totally advised as being wrong the next. When I thought I got a “pattern” or “routine” down pat it turned on its side entirely the very next second, literally.

This parenting gig is hard, everyday. It is even harder when new mumma’s are bombarded with constant “words of advise”, that dare I say it, is actually not advise at all (for certain people).

So with a confusing world for all new Mumma’s, I thought I would put together a list of things to NOT do:

1. Don’t ever tell a new Mumma she is doing something wrong. She is the expert to her new bubba; no one else.

2. Choose your words carefully. Instead of saying “try this”, consider rewording to “what you are doing is incredible. Parenting is all a little bit about trial and error. If you feel up to it, you could try this.”

3. When you visit, make it brief. Don’t stick around.

4. Don’t flood her with everything you did as if it is gospel text for everyone to know about. Remember, every baby is different and every mother is different.

In many respects I think of it as a right of passage that every new mumma has to experience. Without experiencing the intense lows of motherhood, we may in fact begin to lose sight of the absolute intense highs. But it is all relative, isn’t it? No new Mumma ever in their wildest dreams imagines their vision of beautiful kisses, cuddles, breastfeeding moments to be transformed into something entirely different; a baby that only screams, does not settle after feeds, needs to be rocked to sleep, and cracked nipples that… lets not go there (there are a few cuddles and kisses in there too of course).

All I am saying is that we all need to just be a little more sensitive to the constant “latest news and trends” that is hard enough for anyone to keep up with. I mean lets be honest, there is always something “new” to publish when it comes to babies, children and what is best. 

I am not perfect. My kids are not perfect. And that is the way I like it.

Linking up with Essentially Jess

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  • http://www.themultitaskingmummy.com/ Eva Lewis

    I totally agree with you and I too struggled with this when I brought my son home, I felt absolutely overwhelmed. Although it’s easy to look back and give yourself advice, I wish I had just understood that my mothers instinct was well and truly accurate and that I should follow it and not get overwhelmed by all of the advice from family, friends and internet. Yes, there was some advice that was very helpful, but it is so important to realise that each mothers experience is unique. Actually, my post yesterday on breastfeeding touches on this and how every baby and their breastfeeding experience is unique and that there are so many things that mothers go through in breastfeeding that they think isn’t normal when in fact, it is!

  • http://toddlersontour.com.au/ Sally@Toddlers on Tour

    So true!
    The best advice I received when my son was born was “Everyone will give you their advice has to how it should be done. Take what suits you and throw the rest away – without feeling guilty”.

  • http://www.snippetsandspirits.com/ Druime@SnippetsandSpirits

    Number 4 is so true. I think I have to stop myself at times and remember the best think is to how the Mum how to trust her own instincts and get to know her own baby. This is a lovely list for a new Mumma.

  • The Plumbette

    I agree and can remember being told all different advice from midwives and friends. Second time around I was more relaxed and went with the flow. It should be a beautiful time if discovery with your newborn but most times it is fraught with confusion and being overwhelmed!

  • http://www.middleagedmama.com.au/ Janet aka Middle Aged Mama

    Great advice … about not giving advice! LOL. I will never forget how many people would tut and tell me off for putting my baby girl to sleep on her tummy in her pram. Didn’t I know that it was bad, a SIDS risk, blah blah blah. Well of course I knew all that but nobody had told my baby! Surely they would prefer a sleeping baby to one screaming the place down, which is what happened when she was laid any other way!!!!

    Visiting today from #teamIBOT xxx

  • Amy @ Three Little Honeys

    Oh the overwhelmingness of being a new mum! Perfect non Advice – Advice :)

  • TeganMC

    These are great pieces of advice. Those first few months can be so overwhelming and it really does feel like everyone has something to say about what you should be doing as a parent.

  • http://www.jfgibson.com.au/ Jodi Gibson

    Totally agree. To say I was overwhelmed with my first born is a whopping understatement. I had no clue! But what made it worse was everyone telling me what I should be doing, and doubly worse as I had the internet screaming advice at me also.

  • Grace

    I’m glad you’ve written that list because I can’t begin to tell you how many times I wanted to punch someone when they gave me unsolicited advice. Honestly.
    I try really hard not to do the same. Sometimes, I get so carried away with the excitement of a baby that I know I end up just saying stuff. I’m learning to shut up a lot more. “You’re doing a fantastic job” and a smile just goes so much further with a tired, distressed new mama.

  • http://essentiallyjess.com/ EssentiallyJess

    The worst is that all the medical professionals disagree, and those are the people you think you can trust!!! It’s exhausting!!!
    I try not to offer advice as much as I can. Sometimes it’s hard.

  • http://claireyhewitt.blogspot.com/ ClaireyHewitt

    When you visit – take food. Food to eat right now, food to eat later, food for the freezer.

  • http://lifeloveandhiccups.blogspot.com Sonia@ LIfe Love and Hiccups

    I dont believe there is a right way or a wrong way – as you said every child and every mother is different and all the different advice just gets confusing. The advice from the Drs changed so much between each of my 3 so I figure you just do what works for you or keep trying until you find something that does xx