Pregnant with my second child, I was told, repeatedly, that things would soon get hard for my sunny almost three-year-old daughter. She was asked, repeatedly, whether she was going to help mummy change nappies, and help look after the baby. My daughter enthusiastically nodded. “The baby’s a girl,” she would say. “I’m going to change her nappy.” “Yes, yes, dear,” and they would raise their eyebrows in my direction, as if to say, “She doesn’t know what she’s in for, does she?”
I was skeptical that it had to be difficult for her.
The only time I doubted how she would go being a big sister was when, after the baby’s birth, a nurse likened bringing home a baby to a husband bringing home a mistress, and asking his first wife to ‘be cool’.
Then, I worried.
I needn’t have. Big sis was absolutely fine.
She did help me change nappies, and help look after her baby sister. I have put the girls’ car seats together in the back seat of the car, and big sis puts baby’s dummy in if it falls out. My older daughter frequently talks to, sings to and dances for baby. Baby saved her first laugh for her sister.
Growing up, I fought a lot with my brothers. Sibling rivalry was coded deeply into our relationship. We fought. We were expected to fight. It was a cycle of fight-iness.
I am sure my girls will have their tussles, as siblings inevitably do. But I am trying to cultivate friendship between them as much as possible.
Expect the best
I am a believer that our expectation has a lot of influence. Expect good behavior, you will likely receive. Expect the worse, no doubt, that is what it will be. We have generally expected our older daughter to be kind towards her little sister. So far, our expectations have been met.
Encourage interaction
The initial months with a newborn can be a bit confusing and sometimes frustrating for the older child, who wants to get on and do some playing with their long-awaited pal. When baby was tiny, we played silly games with older sis, like pretending baby was counting while her big sister hid behind the curtain. Or making up songs about the two of them. I told fantasy stories about the girls doing things together – baby was Red Riding Hood and big sis was the wolf. That kind of tomfoolery.
Talk kindly
I do get frustrated, and often raise my voice, but I am mindful that how I talk to my children and husband will affect how they talk to each other. Modelling kind, gentle interaction styles will undoubtedly rub off positively on the girls.
I see it already – big sis accidentally bumps her baby sister’s head while rolling next to her on the floor, and immediately says, “Sorry, Baby! I didn’t mean to hurt you!” Her words, so empathic.
Focus on the good, minimize the bad
There were days, early on, when my older daughter got frustrated that she couldn’t have her mummy’s attention. On two occasions, she took her frustrations out on baby, and went to hit her. I was shocked, not knowing she had it in her.
But I removed her from the situation, told her it wasn’t OK and encouraged her to think how her baby sister would have felt.
On a couple of other occasions, big sis would enthusiastically grab her little sister’s arm or leg. Her intentions were good, but her strength was underestimated.
My instinct was to leap in and protect baby, but I held back from criticizing or warning my older daughter, wary of sounding like a broken record. If the situation needed diffusing, I calmly told her to be aware of her baby sister.
When my older daughter is calm, gentle and loving with her baby sister, I point it out. We say things like, “Baby loves you soooo much, see?”
And looking at baby looking at her big sis, she does.
My girls will have the relationship they have – I can’t control and manipulate their little characters, and nor do I want to. But I can engage with them positively, celebrate their love for each other and focus on the positive aspects of their relationship.
How do you cultivate positive relationships between your children?
***
Zanni writes for Heart Mama, a parenting blog that nourishes little hearts, little readers, little creatives and little munchers. She lives at the periphery of Byron Bay, with her husband and two little girls. Zanni writes weekly for Mumgo, a mother’s website, and also writes educational resources.
